Jibun Rashii Ikikata
by Dokkan Capriccio
Summary: When you're family is killed, in what way are you expected to live your life? And why do I have to figure this out alone? .1st person Sasuke POV.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time would have been nice. But at this point it was too late for fairy tales to bring about a happy ending. Each time I opened my eyes it seemed like the world was crashing around me and the scream would never leave my lungs.

The sky was grey that day and although storms were common in the summer today it felt much more ominous than it had before. It felt as though everything had changed.

Though in reality hadn't it all changed?

Waking up in the hospital just confirmed my nightmares. My arm ached under a bandage and I felt like crying. But I wasn't allowed, even if he wasn't there my father would disapprove and just tell me to be more like Itachi. I sat up slowly, my eyes adjusting to the light quickly enough to spot the ANBU member standing near the door before he seemed to notice me. I rubbed my palms against my eyes. If I could see one then there was probably a whole team of them staying out of sight somewhere in the room.

When I moved my hands away the ANBU member was at the foot of the bed.

His voice was smooth, but I could still tell that he was nervous. He didn't want to be here and I couldn't blame him for that. I wouldn't want to be the one to tell a child that their nightmare was real.

"Would you happen to have any idea where... Itachi is?" The hesitation. I wondered if he thought I didn't know what happened.

"I don't know." I whispered wondering if the ANBU would believe me. I could only hope that he wouldn't stay long. I didn't want to be questioned by a faceless man.

He sighed, wearily, but didn't press the subject. Whether he knew what Itachi did or whether he just wanted to find him safe, he wasn't letting on in the least.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" His voice was smaller this time.

I pretended not to hear him, and focused my attention on the bandages covering my arm. The pause was long enough to become uncomfortable.

"A nurse will come check on you, then I have to take you to see the Hokage."

The silence slipped back into place.

"I didn't see it happen." I mumbled as I fiddled with the bandage.

I decided that I hate masks. It's hard to judge how a mask reacts.

A nurse came by within the next few minutes, asking if anything hurt. She barely looked at me at all while she was in the room, instead looking out of the window when talking to me. My head started throbbing as she spoke and I just wanted to sleep. When she skitted out I stared at the only interesting thing in the room, although I don't think he liked being watched that closely. He was probably even uncomfortable with being visible at all. The ANBU was fidgeting, constantly moving his hand to his pocket

I don't remember lying down again, but the uncertain hands adjusting the blanket and rubbing my back were oddly comforting.

I fell asleep in moments.

When I woke up again the ANBU was still in the room, leaning against the window reading a book. He didn't look up at all as I sat up in the bed.

"You'll have to see the Hokage at some point." He mumbled changing the page. "But he can't really do anything if you're asleep, so if you're still tired..."

"I just want to get this all over with." He finally looked away from the book, the mask turning to look at me.

"Okay. We can go now if you want."

I really just wanted to sleep, perhaps just go under the blankets and spend the rest of my life hiding there. But hiding wouldn't fix it, even if I wanted to believe otherwise.

I walked slowly behind the ANBU as we left the hospital, the Hokage had waited this long, surely he could find something to occupy his time. I was really just hoping that he would be busy when we got there and that he wouldn't be able to see me right away.

But of course this week wasn't working on my side. The Hokage wasn't busy and he ANBU left as soon as I entered the office. It was about this point that I found it hard to breath.

He almost immediately started asking questions, but I didn't want to remember what happened so every one of them was countered with a pause and three simple words. "I don't know."

I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got hurt. I don't know who did it. I don't know where Itachi is. I don't know if he was there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

"Can you tell me anything at all?"

"My head hurts." Just another lie to block any more questions. The look in his eyes said that he didn't believe me. There again, considering that in the ten minutes I had been in his office a full 100% of my statements had been lies, did he really have a reason to believe me?

I hid my face in my hands as he stared at me for a few more minutes until he sighed. As I looked up the old man came over and ruffled my hair with a sad smile on his face.

"If you see your brother you need to let us know. Okay?"

I couldn't tell if he really knew who did it or not, but he didn't wait for any kind if response saying I could go.

No. That's not okay. If I were to see Itachi I'm not sure what would happen, but if the village wanted him found the Hokage would surely know where he was before I would see him anyway. I don't want to be the one to get Itachi caught.

Why should I be responsible in any way for what happens to him?


	2. Chapter 2

I have no idea what I'm doing with this story. Sorry.

What exactly was it that they expected me to do? There's no way I would go back to the compound, even if there wasn't the ongoing investigation /_or the bodies/._ Where is a child with no money and no family supposed to go at night? And what was I expected to do until then?

After being released from the hospital and leaving the Hokage's office I walked around for a while, but the atmosphere was too odd to continue. The adults knew what had happened by now and even while they were trying not to be obvious I still noticed the stares and the whispers.

It was near noon when I found myself outside the academy. I really had nowhere else to go, and since my class would be outside practicing by now I wouldn't have to enter a full classroom and have everyone stare at me. It was a good enough reason to stay for a while.

I crept through the hallways to the classroom, trying not to be seen by anyone that would be walking the halls, not wanting to receive the same stares that the villagers had given me. When I sat at my desk, opting to take a nap, or at least look like that, the weariness actually began to wash over me. How long had I slept at the hospital? It didn't feel long enough. Maybe I should have listened to the ANBU and stayed longer.

I was only in the room for a few minutes before someone entered. They didn't say a word so I didn't bother moving, but after several more quiet moments a hand brushed through my hair. When I glanced up Iruka-sensei was smiling at me, the same look in his eyes.

"The others will be back soon," he spoke quietly as though sharing a secret. "Are you going to be okay?"

I nodded and put my head back down, pretending to be asleep as the class began to filter into the room. Iruka-sensei started to talk about something and let out a laugh when the students groaned.

It was cold in the room, and the realization that this would be the last class of the day made me wonder if there was anywhere else I could go afterwards. Wherever I ended up I only hoped it was warmer than this.

During the class someone touched my shoulder, and I had to force myself not to shudder at the contact. The person persisted though even when I ignored them. Maybe if I stayed still long enough they'd think I had died. Like I should have. The thought alone made my lungs seize up. I should have died with them.

I sat up too quickly, sending spots to my eyes and scaring the girl who had been next to me. But more important in my mind; why wasn't I dead? Itachi had given a reason, but how could I believe him when he cried? He never usually cried, but he had last night. Had he not wanted to do it?

I didn't want to think anymore, but it kept coming. There was something else, that I hadn't been told, that he didn't want me to know. But it was important to me now, I needed to know.

Iruka-sensei was wrapping up class when I finally tried to listen to what he was saying. It ended all too quickly and my classmates started heading out of the door, eager to get home. To their families.

It would have been better if I had died after all.

At least then I wouldn't have to think anymore.

It took a long 5 minutes until it was just me and Iruka-sensei in the room. It was only at that point that I got up from my desk.

I pretended to fix my shoe as he collected his things and left towards the teacher's office. I wouldn't want to be left with me either at this point.

At least I was alone, even though that wasn't what I wanted. At least alone was quiet. At least no one could stare at me.

It didn't last. It never did. Within a few minutes there was the sound of someone running down the hall.

"Iruka-senseeeeeeeeeei~!" The loud blond barged back in, yelling before realizing the absence of said person. The change of expression was immediate, turning from a grin to a frown.

"He already left." I mumbled, back to playing with my shoe for a few more moments before straightening. He poked his head back into the hallway, glancing down both ways before exiting without so much as a word to me. Seconds passed before I could hear him running again. I slid out after him, thankful that most of the students had already left. Even the grounds outside were beginning to clear out.

Keeping my head down, I walked past the remaining few people and made my escape. I was hungry but I tried not to think about it, I could get food tomorrow. Somehow.

To be honest, there's not much I remember about that night. I had tried to keep out of the way, squatting next to a warm vent on a less used road. At some point it had started raining, but I never moved from the vent. Even if I was wet, as long as the vent gave some warmth it was better than nothing.

It had grown dark when I fell asleep, the rain coming down slowly.


End file.
